Dear Lord...

Lord, I am so tired of being lied to. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is it my fault this is happening? Do I deserve to never find true happiness? Am I destined to always fall down after having my hopes up. Do I expect too much? Is life supposed to suck or is it supposed to be easier? Lord, why does this keep happening? Why does my heart hurt? Why am I so angry? How can I be heartbroken and angry at the same time. How come I feel so cold and dead inside and I want to lash out and take out anyone who makes me feel like this? How do I make the anger subside? How do I get over the pain? Will I ever be able to move on? Lord, should I move on? Should I leave? What should I do? I do not know where to turn? I want to run away and start over, but I just don’t know what to do. I have to think of the kids and their lives too. I am not my own anymore. I am in charge of two delicate girls who need me. I am falling apart inside. I am withering away. I feel like pieces of me are being hacked away until all that’s left is this pain and a huge hole in my heart. Lord, please take the pain away. Make it go away. Show me what I need to do. Help me to be the better person. Show us where to go next. Help me to move on from this drama. Lord, please fix our marriage. Make it great again. Make it feel safe again. Make me believe it will be okay, that it will not happen again that I can trust again, that its okay to let down my wall to let myself be loved and believe it’s true. I feel like such an idiot for thinking things would ever be different. Why did I even get my hopes up? I wish I could accept things as they are. Take each day as a new adventure waiting to see what lies in the darkness, waiting to see what new deceit will rear its head and try to destroy my family – what I have tried so hard to keep together. Each day is like a battle with my mind to continue on and do what I feel is right. It is such a struggle and war between good and evil. I am starting to wonder if I can make it through. I just want to give up to walk away, but I know that this would not make the pain any easier, but only more intense because without him, I would be lost. I know he is such a huge part of me – maybe this is why it hurts so deeply because of our soul connection. I really do not know why its effects me the way it does and I wish I could just stop loving so much stop hurting so much stop caring so much and just live. Live in the moment not worrying about anyone but myself. But I know this is not right and not how you want me to live. I just do not know what to do Lord. Please guide me…take away the anger and let me be happy. I want unspeakable joy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be a good mom and wife, to be joyful and able to contribute to the world. Lord, show me how to start a life of my own. I do not want a divorce, but I do want to feel like my world will not fall apart each time my trust for my husband is shattered. I have to stop putting my faith in him and rely on you Lord for my safety, security and love. I know you will never leave me nor forsake me. I can always trust you, your word and your love for me. Help me to focus on this instead of the faults of others because I too have faults, many of them. Help me to see the good, to focus on the positive. Take away the bad and replace it with peaceful memories. Give me hope Lord, for a brighter future. Take away the negative predictions and expectations. Help me to be realistic and accept him for who he is. Help me to let go of what I want him to be and accept him for who he is because he loves me for who I am - he loves all my flaws, my imperfections, he accepts me for me. I want to do the same. Help me to stop trying to control things and just let him live how he wants. It is not up to me to decide how he lives, but to decide if I want to live with him. I do want to be with him. I just want to love fully and without holding back, without fear of pain and rejection, but I do not know how to let go. Show me how to forgive. Show my heart how to let go.


In Jesus Name, AMEN

Switched from Wellbutrin SR to Wellbutrin XL; Depression and lack of interest

About 2 weeks ago, my Doctor switched me from generic Wellbutrin (Bupropion SR) to the generic Wellbutrin XL (made by Barr) and I am now starting to wonder if this switch has brought back my depression. I am not suicidal, but my desire to do normal everyday things is totally gone. I have no motivation. I feel like I have become a tired, constipated, awful parent and wife. Things have gotten worse over the last few days, since I am getting closer to that time of the month. I kept thinking thats what was going on - I was just being moody because of my period. But, it is starting to make me really wonder "what is causing these feelings of despair? What am I doing differently?" Then it dawned on me, maybe it is the Wellbutrin XL. I know it takes a few weeks to get a medication to work, so it would make sense that it would take a few weeks for the SR to stop working. I really feel like my depression symptoms have increased tenfold. I am at the point where I do not want to deal with anyone. I want to sulk in my room and be alone. I am letting every little thing my kids do effect me emotionally. I have not been crying much, but I take everything so personally. At this point I could honestly say if my kids were to go live with my mom, I would be okay with that. I know this has to be my depression, because its just not me. I dont have the drive to even talk. I feel like my husband is busy all the time now, but I wonder if I am just being paranoid. He is taking a college class and training for a marathon, and I just feel so alone. I have no idea why, but I do. I guess maybe because I do not have family close by and any friends I have are busy or they all want to just go get drunk all the time and thats not what I want to do. I just honestly feel like no one cares, like no one would miss me if I ran away. I do not even know how to tell my husband the depth of these feelings. I try, but it just never comes out right. I get so tired of complaining and being negative. When am I finally going to not have to worry about these things anymore? Should I stop the medication all together? My Doctor is a joke. He does not know what he is doing and getting a new doc is just too much work. I feel so sorry for my kids because I just really do not want to have anything to do with them. Luckily they are old enough to pretty much fend for themselves and I do interact with them, but I am just so withdrawn. I am not happy; I am miserable. I long for happy days again; to enjoy and look forward to things. I truly feel like there is no point to anything right now. I don't know how to snap out of it. I believe in God and Jesus is my savior and I know I will survive this, but when will it get better? When does life become worth living? How do I find my way to normalcy? What is normal? Heaven is my only hope for now. I know one day all the pain and sorrow will be gone and I will find the happiness I long for, but for now I guess I must endure these sorrow filled days on earth.