Marriage, Holidays, Kids and Stress

Somehow Thanksgiving has come and gone, but not without its normal snares and scars of my normal holiday family feuds. I can not remember the last holiday when my husband and I did not argue about the stupidest things. What is it about the holidays that causes the ones you love to seem like a bulls eye target for agression, hatred and arguments? My problem is I truely want peace in my home and it seems like an unatainable goal - something we will never even get close to achieving.
     My daughter, who is twelve and has ADHD and a mood disorder, still has breakdowns almost daily and everything is an argument with her; consequently, just trying not to strangle her or myself is a daily task. So, when there is an added stressor (i.e. making Thanksgiving dinner, buying presents) I seem to just go over the edge, as do my hormones which go even more haywire.
    I need to have a pity party right now because my husband and I have been just weird lately. I cannot figure out what the deal is; although, I am guessing its probobly my imagination and things are fine, but things just really feel different. I feel really lonely and I am having a hard time talking to him about anything without him biting my head off. Dont get me wrong, I am not a Saint because I am sure, well I know I do it, that I do the same to him. I have been trying to be more calm and speak in a lower tone when talking to him about stuff, but he just keeps snapping back and my response is "I take it back, nevermind," or "I should not have said anything, Sorry." So now the resentment for feeling like I cannot even communicate or voice my own opinion is driving me to the point of misery. I cannot talk to him, because he will not know what I am talking about and I am the worst at explaining things, so its like an endless cycle. I just do not understand how we are the perfect couple when the kids are away at grandma's during the summer for a few weeks. We are great together. Sure I still have my poor pitiful hormonal me episodes, but its nothing like the misery of our marriage with the kids around. I feel so bad even voicing my true feelings, but I know I am not alone in the world, there has to be someone going through the same thing. I am just so sad inside. I want to just run away and never look back. Maybe then I would be missed, respected, listened to? I want to be young again and enjoy my college years that were taken from me when I had my oldest daughter. I know in my heart I could never turn my back on my kids, but sometimes I truly feel they would be better off with someone else. With different parents who take them camping, fishing, hiking, who play with them, who truly enjoy having them in their lives. What is so odd is if something were to happen to them, it would devastate me. I love them so much, but I just cannot handle any extra stress, so we just live in our little bubble and try to minimize the trips out together whenever we can because when we do try to do things together, my oldest child ends up being awful. She has always been that way since she was a small toddler. We could not go out for dinner without her screaming and crying about who knows what. It was always a struggle and continues to be. What makes it worse is other parents not even having a clue what its like to have a special needs child because she appears somewhat normal on the outside. They look at me like I do not discipline her, or I spoil her, but the opposite is true, we have had to be very strict and consistent since she was very young.
      Hopefully tomorrow will be better and maybe I will look up a marriage counselor. I am so afraid if things continue down this road we will not make it to our 10th anniversary next year. I do not want to be alone, but I also do not want what was the best relationship ever to turn into what I never wanted to be - a lovingless, empty sham of a marriage....

Day 9 HRT Going well...too well

Things have been going really well the last few days. I have had a day or so of being tired in the evening, but overall, my energy level seems to be back to normal - not slugish and not turbo charged either. I am thinking more clearly too. I am supposed to start in 3 days and yesterday I did have a small emotional break down, but it was nothing even close to my normal monthly routine. I am crossing my fingers, saying lots of prayers for a smooth transition this cycle. Sometimes when I feel this great, bad times follow, so I am so worried, but I know I should keep pushing ahead, have faith that things will coninue to go well and know there will always be ups and downs - hopefully more ups than downs. I shall keep you updated as things progress.

Enjoy the weekend!