ADHD parent of an ADHD child

I just came across a book on the narcissistic parent and the damage it does to our daughters. This brought tears to my eyes because I see so many of these self serving personality traits in myself. I do not feel I am great or have accomplished anything, so I guess I am not really narcissistic. I then compared the two, narcissism and ADHD and they have similarities. I just worry that I am so self-absorbed and unable to handle much sensory stimulation, that I am going to ruin my children. I really do try to be a good mom, but I honestly cannot seem to handle incessant chatter, being around lots of people for very long, and too much stress. It feels as if I am on overload and going to go insane if I do not get to a quiet place - which in my home it seems impossible. What kind of mother wants her kids to be quiet? The guilt of this drives me even more crazy because I wonder why I am the way I am. I try to accept it, and work to be better, but its still there. I cannot handle what most normal people can handle. I could not imagine trying to juggle kids in sports, or other activities, because honestly, I am barely able to survive the days just getting the kids to school, getting through homework and getting them to bed. That alone is enough to suck the very life from me. It is mostly because of my oldest daughter, who has ADHD and has it bad! I love her dearly and she is such a sweetheart, but she talks like a million miles a minute about nothing in particular, and if you try to have a conversation with her its like you are talking to yourself because she just changes the subject consistently. And she is very argumentative, so if you tell her to do something or try to help her, she will argue or make excuses. She is 12 years old now and she still cries almost every day about something ridiculous.  I have even wondered what life would be life if I had never had her, or if I were to send her to live with her biological father. I know how awful that sounds, but I am just plum worn out. Between my issues and hers, I am just at a loss for how to deal with things. I feel as if I am doing more wrong than right - causing more damage to her than building her up. The resentment and anger towards her is so strong that I cringe when she hugs me. I do not show her of coarse and I honestly try to be loving, but its so hard for me. I do not understand why either. I do not feel the same way when I hug my younger daughter. I know she is my favorite, but its only because she does not fight with me and cry about everything. What would make a mother feel so unattached to her own child? How do I break the cycle of negativity and really build her up?

Marriage, Holidays, Kids and Stress

Somehow Thanksgiving has come and gone, but not without its normal snares and scars of my normal holiday family feuds. I can not remember the last holiday when my husband and I did not argue about the stupidest things. What is it about the holidays that causes the ones you love to seem like a bulls eye target for agression, hatred and arguments? My problem is I truely want peace in my home and it seems like an unatainable goal - something we will never even get close to achieving.
     My daughter, who is twelve and has ADHD and a mood disorder, still has breakdowns almost daily and everything is an argument with her; consequently, just trying not to strangle her or myself is a daily task. So, when there is an added stressor (i.e. making Thanksgiving dinner, buying presents) I seem to just go over the edge, as do my hormones which go even more haywire.
    I need to have a pity party right now because my husband and I have been just weird lately. I cannot figure out what the deal is; although, I am guessing its probobly my imagination and things are fine, but things just really feel different. I feel really lonely and I am having a hard time talking to him about anything without him biting my head off. Dont get me wrong, I am not a Saint because I am sure, well I know I do it, that I do the same to him. I have been trying to be more calm and speak in a lower tone when talking to him about stuff, but he just keeps snapping back and my response is "I take it back, nevermind," or "I should not have said anything, Sorry." So now the resentment for feeling like I cannot even communicate or voice my own opinion is driving me to the point of misery. I cannot talk to him, because he will not know what I am talking about and I am the worst at explaining things, so its like an endless cycle. I just do not understand how we are the perfect couple when the kids are away at grandma's during the summer for a few weeks. We are great together. Sure I still have my poor pitiful hormonal me episodes, but its nothing like the misery of our marriage with the kids around. I feel so bad even voicing my true feelings, but I know I am not alone in the world, there has to be someone going through the same thing. I am just so sad inside. I want to just run away and never look back. Maybe then I would be missed, respected, listened to? I want to be young again and enjoy my college years that were taken from me when I had my oldest daughter. I know in my heart I could never turn my back on my kids, but sometimes I truly feel they would be better off with someone else. With different parents who take them camping, fishing, hiking, who play with them, who truly enjoy having them in their lives. What is so odd is if something were to happen to them, it would devastate me. I love them so much, but I just cannot handle any extra stress, so we just live in our little bubble and try to minimize the trips out together whenever we can because when we do try to do things together, my oldest child ends up being awful. She has always been that way since she was a small toddler. We could not go out for dinner without her screaming and crying about who knows what. It was always a struggle and continues to be. What makes it worse is other parents not even having a clue what its like to have a special needs child because she appears somewhat normal on the outside. They look at me like I do not discipline her, or I spoil her, but the opposite is true, we have had to be very strict and consistent since she was very young.
      Hopefully tomorrow will be better and maybe I will look up a marriage counselor. I am so afraid if things continue down this road we will not make it to our 10th anniversary next year. I do not want to be alone, but I also do not want what was the best relationship ever to turn into what I never wanted to be - a lovingless, empty sham of a marriage....

Day 9 HRT Going well...too well

Things have been going really well the last few days. I have had a day or so of being tired in the evening, but overall, my energy level seems to be back to normal - not slugish and not turbo charged either. I am thinking more clearly too. I am supposed to start in 3 days and yesterday I did have a small emotional break down, but it was nothing even close to my normal monthly routine. I am crossing my fingers, saying lots of prayers for a smooth transition this cycle. Sometimes when I feel this great, bad times follow, so I am so worried, but I know I should keep pushing ahead, have faith that things will coninue to go well and know there will always be ups and downs - hopefully more ups than downs. I shall keep you updated as things progress.

Enjoy the weekend!

Spoke too soon

I think I jumped the gun a bit on what I said earlier. I was so hopeful the hormones were going to give me the energy to get through the day, but I am plum worn out and it is not even 3:30 yet. My legs are achy and I am in serious need of a nap. I am sure it is just the amount of mental drainage I have been doing today as well as the physical stuff too. I sure hope tomorrow is better because we have a birthday party to go to, then we have to get the kids ready to go trick or treating. Oh joy! I know how sad, I should be happy about going, but its cold outside and its supposed to rain, so no I am not happy about taking the kids for a walk, so they can complain about how cold they are.

Day 2 of Hormone Replacment Therapy

Started my hormone replacement therapy yesterday and after my second dose today it seems to be working already. I am feeling more energized and positive. It could be in my mind, but I am pretty sure its the hormones. Or maybe its the stress of Halloween and the fact that I have procrastinated yet again and have a million things to do today so I am in super turbo mode. It sometimes feels like I can only accomplish things under pressure...anyone else feel like that sometimes? Okay back to the topic...HRT...I was prescribed testosterone and progesterone and I think I am way to young to have whacked out hormones, but my hormone panel showed that my progesterone levels go down to a measly 2 during my cycle and my testosterone level was at 20, which is pretty low for a 32 year old. If I were 50 it would be normal. This low testosterone may explain the lack of libido I have been having for years. My poor husband. Its like clockwork. I get interested about mid cycle and then my libido goes bye bye. My focus seems to be more clear, but I am somewhat jittery. I feel like I am going a million miles a minute and keep getting stuck not knowing which task I should accomplish next.

Until next time...

SAD Disorder

So, maybe it isn't exactly just my hormones. It has been almost 2 weeks since my last you know what and I am still down in the dumps. I just cannot get the clouds to lift. I am so tired all the time. I have lost my interest in working out, in cooking, in doing anything. I am angry with my kids - yelling at them all the time. I am crying more, but not all day long. I just feel like heavy overwhelming tired feeling that I cannot explain. Even my eyes feel exausted - as if they look like they have big black circles around them, when they do not. My legs feel heavy when I try to run and I just cannot do it. Well...today I took my daughter to her counseling appointment and I ended up being the one getting the counseling. I went in with the counselor and just let it all out. I told her how I felt like I had all the symptoms of depression again and I feel so guilty. I feel like a lazy bum and a horrible abusive mother. She agreed with me about being depressed and that it may be S.A.D or Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have always had a hard time every year when it gets cold, but this time I thought I was golden because I am already taking Wellbutrin, or the generic crap they give you. I have been taking it for about 3 years and have done pretty well with only a few downs along the way. I just do not understand how this could happen to me if I am taking an antidepressant. I know I should probably change my medication, but I have tried so many other meds and they have caused many other issues. For instance, I took Effexor for a few years and I became silently bulemic. The medicine made me so hungry I binge ate daily and well you know the rest. I am ashamed, but as soon as I stopped the medication, I stopped binging and purging. The other problem drug, Cymbalta, well this one made me a raging party animal/alcholic who did not want to be at home with her kids, and I was still flipping sad. I cried at night which was why I was getting wasted.

Starting to feel normal again & Preparing for a 5k

Today I am finally starting to feel human again. I am so very thankful! I am still a little tired, but I managed to get my rear on the treadmill and run/walk for 30 minutes, which is more than I have done for the last 5 days. My goal is to do a 5k on Thanksgiving. I was told about the race the other day and it sounds like it would be fun. I would have to figure out how to get my bird in the oven before I head out, but I am sure I can come up with something. It will be good to have a goal to work towards.

No school today ~ HELP

The kids have a late start today and my nerves are shot. I am still having my PMS, or should I say DMS (during menstrual symptoms), but instead of anger it has turned into pure anxiety, lack of interest in anything, a headache, and I am still tired. I am battling with the idea of going back on birth control just to control the PMS symptoms, but I think I have forgotten why I stopped taking them to begin with. I still had some mood swings around that time of the month, but in hindsight it seemed to be better...maybe? I was taking Yaz before and it did not help my acne, well maybe a little, but it never made it go away. My sex drive totally dissapeared - not that I had one to begin with. Whats up with that anyways? Why do we want to have sex like wild women when we are dating, but we get married, have children and our libido's are non existent? Yet, my husband is still raging like an 18 year old teenager. I swear he would have sex no matter what. Why can't we be like that? I want to have a raging sex drive too! Off topic again...back to the hormonal issues...earlier I felt like I was totally loosing my mind. Our house is pretty small and the walls are really thin, so every little noise the kids make, its like nails on a chalkboard. I just cringe inside because I want some peace. I love my kids, dont get me wrong, but I am just so darn hormonal right now and stressed to the max. I wish we had a house that was big enough to find a quiet place. I know I should be grateful for the blessings I have been given: healthy children, a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, but dog gone it, I AM FLAT OUT MISERABLE RIGHT NOW!

Lord, please just let me get through one more day of this awful hormonally imbalanced day. AMEN!

Mad over Chicken Soup

I came home after bible study and got so mad that my husband had made chicken noodle soup. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I was so mad. I have just been mad at everything today. I thought the PMS was supposed to stop when you start. This is definitely a crazy hormonal month. Anyways, so I was mad because I wanted to make the soup, but he made it cause he didn't know I wanted to have it for dinner. I still do not know why I was mad. Most women would love it if their husbands cooked, but not me. I just get mad over the stupidest things. I felt like a yoyo all day. I was okay then mad, then okay, then mad again. What is going on with me? Anyone else have these insane mood swings. I swear if I were my husband I would leave me.

Day 3 of this PMS marathon

This morning started off okay. I was still pretty cranky when I woke up, but I was hopeful that this ugly side of me would have passed and my period would have finnally arrived, but it had not. I found myself irritable, shakey, unable to think or even know what the hell I was doing, angry, and well...I just wanted to bi@tch about everything! It was awful and even more awful for my husband. We were supposed to go visit family downtown today, so I was trying my darndest to get dressed to put this bad attitude behind me and go see my husbands family, but I just could not shake this attitude. I honestly felt like I was going mad. I am really against taking medicine to help with things that I deep down feel like I should be able to deal with, but today I decided to just screw it and I took some ativan to help with the nerves and when that did not work I took some vicodin. I took the vicodin a few times throughout the day and it seemed to make all the difference in the world. I was kinda zoned at first, but then I was actually a decent and somewhat normal human being, who was able to be around large crouds without freaking out. It was kind of nice. I think its pretty pathetic that I had to drug myself to handle life. Honestly, I wanted to hide in my house and not see anyone today, but I was able to overcome. I just feel like this is a very unhealthy way to deal with my problems, since it could easily lead to another problem; being addicted to pain pills or anxiety meds. I really hope that tomorrow will be a better day. I want to feel like a somewhat normal person again; if that is even possible?

I feel pathetic

What a crappy day. I just need to get my whining out, so I feel the need to write more about how pathetically crappy I feel, and I feel worse for feeling crappy. Its like a guilt merry-go-round. It started off bad and now its almost 5:30 and all I want to do is stare at the wall and maybe cry. But strangely I feel unsettled and restless. I do not feel like doing anything; yet, doing nothing is making me want to do something. I just cannot figure out what I should do. I am normally fun and of all the stupid days to feel bad, why today? Why not tomorrow or in a few days? My husband is in a great mood, and our friends want to hang out, but I just want to be alone. Its like I am super depressed, which I know way to much about; been there too many times, but I know I am not depressed it is just PMS and its driving me insane. I know I am not alone. I know almost all women experience this, but in my mind I just somehow believe I am the only wacko who has these mood swings. Anyone out there go through this?

Being a woman SUCKS!

Being a woman really sucks sometimes. I often wonder what it would be like to avoid the mental breakdowns that make me seem like I belong in a mental institution. Even when it is enevitable that your time of the month is coming, it never seems to get easier. Men seem to have it so much simpler. They do have moodiness sometimes, but it is never as bad as a womans. They can fight and get over it; its done they are all best buds again; yet, when women fight they are just awful. They will talk behind each others backs, hold grudges, and more often than not, they will never be friends again.

My hormonal battle has been going on for a long time; ever since I had my second child it seems as if my life has just become an uncertainty of moods shifts and skin breakouts depending on what time of the month it is. I have been diagnosed with adult ADD and I have wondered many times, "could I be bipolar?" But, now as I get older, the mood shifts seem to coincide with my cycle and its just so awful. I wonder if I am only ovulating every other month, because I seem to have a good month and then a bad month, but I can never ever get by without PMS before I start. Even if it is only a day.

I have made an ass of myself so many times because of the person I become under stress and during PMS. It never fails that I am around my husbands family and I get all hormonal. What is up with that?

I have tried birth control pills, but that either made me gain weight, sad, or even more moody. I am currently trying to do Bio identical hormone replacement therapy, but it seems like a never ending process. It has taken a few years to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel with the treatment. They said my progesterone levels were at a 2, yes a 2 on day 23. No wonder I feel like total crap before I start and my testosterone levels are around 20, which is pretty low. I am just too young for this crap. I am so hopeful that the treatment will help. I have not started it yet, but the compounding pharmacy thinks I should get progesterone and testosterone and this might help. I have prayed and prayed for help; for someone to help me with this imbalance and I am just so pessimistic that it will be another lost cause.